


Worth Fighting For

by an_alternate_world



Series: Burnt Letters [2]
Category: Glee
Genre: Canonical Character Death - Finn Hudson, M/M, Past Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-10
Updated: 2018-02-13
Packaged: 2019-03-02 03:02:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 21,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13309053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/an_alternate_world/pseuds/an_alternate_world
Summary: Sebastian knows something is wrong with the way Blaine is glowering at him over the rim of his mug of eggnog. Once he discovers the reason why, he makes resolutions to plan something special with the help of some old friends. **Close to Nothing sequel**





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> *cracks knuckles*  
> This totally stemmed from a silly little thing with Carmen which of course spiralled into something bigger. I emerge from a stupidly long hiatus to post this before I probably retreat back into the shadows again to try to write stuff (can you hear the maniacal laughter of Fate refusing to let me write or is that just me?).

 

 **Title:** Worth Fighting For  
**Author:** an_alternate_world  
**Rating:**  M  
**Characters/Pairing:** Sebastian Smythe/Blaine Anderson  
**Word Count:**  1,319  
**Summary:**  Sebastian knows something is wrong with the way Blaine is glowering at him over the rim of his mug of eggnog. Once he discovers the reason why, he makes resolutions to plan something special with the help of some old friends. **Close to Nothing sequel**  
**Warnings/Spoilers:**  As a ' _Close to Nothing_ ' sequel, you can PROBABLY read this without having read it but honestly, it'll spoil that story and it remains one of the saddest and prettiest things I've ever written so if you haven't read that, then you probably should first because it'll just add more weight to the universe that this is set in. Also, you may (eventually) need tissues for later chapters because if you've read CtN then you know what Sebastian's like.  
**Disclaimer:** I am in no way associated with Glee, FOX, Ryan Murphy, or anything else related to the FOX universe.

* * *

_"we found each other_  
_when we weren't looking_  
_like a rainbow in the morning,_  
_we didn't know it had rained_  
_until we dragged ourselves_  
_out of bed and looked up at the sky._

 _and when we met it was because_  
_neither of us wanted to be seen,_  
_when we crossed each others paths_  
_we were both staring at the grooves_  
_in the pavement wondering where_  
_all the flowers had gone._

 _we found each other the way_  
_the wind scatters seeds across the earth -_  
_we fell between the cracks,_  
_but we never expected to blossom."_

— Pavana पवन

* * *

Sebastian can see flurries of white snow drifting to the ground in the window above Cooper's head, meaning a winter wonderland is being created while the Andersons bask in the heat.

But the look Blaine has fixed him with is decidedly frosty.

Blaine's been glowering over the rim of his mug of eggnog for at least a couple of hours and even refills and being pulled into conversation by other family members hasn't lessened the stare. Sebastian manages to keep a fixed, polite smile on his face while Cooper continues talking his ear off over his latest audition, but honestly Sebastian's mind is racing to work out what he's apparently done wrong.

"So then I thought, why not tell them about when I auditioned for Michael Bay, right? Did Blaine ever show you that video? Oh my God, man, it was the best thing ever and-"

Sebastian casts his mind back to the start of the day, where they'd exchanged lazy kisses and touches in a motel not far from the Anderson house. It wasn't the first time Sebastian had returned to Westerville to spend Christmas with Blaine's family, but Blaine still felt uncomfortable sharing a bed with Sebastian under his parents' roof. After they'd showered and dressed, Sebastian had driven them to the Andersons and the little terrors, Jake and Freya, had been delighted at their favourite uncle's arrival, so Blaine had propped himself on the rug in the lounge room and discussed TV shows and music that elementary school kids liked, and Sebastian's never even heard of, which just makes Blaine's ability to adapt to all situations more admirable.

Then Pamela had announced brunch was ready and the gathering of family made the occasion raucous. Cooper insisted on trying to talk over the top of everyone even though no one was directly paying attention to him because Pamela had engaged Blaine in conversation and Amy was talking to Michael while ensuring her kids didn't fling food across the table at anyone who wasn't paying attention and honestly Sebastian found it easy to just sit back and observe the chaos with a contented smile. He could barely remember the last time he'd had a family Christmas which wasn't filled with awkward silences and hesitant looks, even though Blaine had been present to defuse some of the tension with questions or observations or offerings of random pieces of information he thought would interest at least one of Sebastian's parents. Blaine had helped, but it still felt like he entered his parents' home for the festive season and immediately stepped on eggshells that he couldn't rid from under his feet. Even after his parents moved three years ago, he hadn't found it much easier to visit.

That's why he preferred returning to Westerville to see Blaine's family, because the Andersons were different. They were always chatting and laughing and wildly gesticulating – even though they all claimed only Cooper talked with his hands – and Sebastian could see from the sparkle in all the Andersons' eyes where Blaine got his ever-present optimism from. Sebastian wasn't naïve enough to think Blaine hadn't been touched by darkness, he knew what Blaine had been through as a teenager, but he seemed to dispel the demons easier than Sebastian.

Sure, he knew Blaine controlled his emotions around others, especially his family, to spare them any worry about his wellbeing and because he'd spent years honing his neutrality supporting disadvantaged kids. But he'd also seen Blaine switch in seconds from a composed and mature adult to a shell of a man who clung to him while silent tears streaked down his face. He'd seen Blaine experience highs and lows, just as Blaine had seen him at his worst too many times to count, but generally he remained more stable, more cheerful, than Sebastian ever was and probably ever would be.

Until now.

He's not sure if Blaine's mood soured during the drive to the Andersons, or brunch, or exchanging gifts. It's hard to pinpoint amidst his rising anxiety, the increasing speed of his thoughts that trip over each other and make his breathing shallow, because all he can think about is that he's done something very, very wrong and he doesn't know if Blaine will talk to him about it or swallow the issue and pretend like nothing's wrong except he knows something's wrong and what if it's related to the presents because surely he'd have noticed Blaine's attitude in the car or while he was eating earlier.

…right?

He flips through his memories of the gifting and even though it wasn't that long ago, he he'd been distracted by all the movement of present distribution and the irritating sound of numerous pieces of paper being torn at once. He could recall Jake and Freya's squeals of delight as they'd torn brightly coloured paper from a variety of packages from their parents, grandparents and uncle to reveal an array of toys, clothes and novelty presents. He remembers observing Blaine from time to time, spying Blaine's amusement at the selection of novelty ties and bowties Cooper had given him and his smile at the sizable gift certificate from Macy's that Pamela and Michael had given and his grin at the glittery macaroni creatures from Freya and the laugh at Jake's collection of drawings that Amy had bound into a book and his cooing as the navy-and-white scarf and mittens (which must have been incredibly soft) from Amy and then…and then he remembers a glimpse of Blaine's small frown as he'd unwrapped Sebastian's gift, a book from a series he knows Blaine is obsessed with along with Hamilton tickets tucked inside the front cover. He'd been distracted by Amy approaching with a fresh mug of eggnog and by the time he'd looked back at Blaine, the expression was gone and Blaine was showing Cooper the book and Cooper was chattering about how he should pitch the series to a director or producer he knew and maybe he could star in it and-

Okay, so was Blaine disappointed in Sebastian's gift? It didn't make much sense because they usually gave each other something mundane in front of their families, saving the meaningful presents for when they returned to their apartment. Like the year Sebastian had printed a variety of photos of Blaine he'd taken when Blaine wasn't looking, but all of them showed Blaine looking stunning, and that had been hung on their living room wall. Or the year Blaine had secured dinner reservations at one of their favourite restaurants on New Year's Eve which was far enough away from the insane crowd of tourists that flocked towards Times Square in the hopes of seeing something not nearly as dazzling as they believed it would be.

"-but then I thought maybe I just needed to try something different, so I started using a French accent, right? Like I'd heard you use one with your mom on the phone and-"

"Wait, you what?" Sebastian interrupts, shaken from his musings by the mention of his mom. Cooper backpedals and repeats the last few minutes of his ramblings and when Sebastian realises his mother isn't important to the story at all, he regrets ever asking for clarification.

And judging from the stormy expression on Blaine's face, it isn't wise to ask Blaine anything either.

* * *

_**~TBC~** _


	2. Chapter 2

 

 **Title:** Worth Fighting For  
**Author:** an_alternate_world  
**Rating:**  M  
**Characters/Pairing:** Sebastian Smythe/Blaine Anderson  
**Word Count:**  4,267  
**Summary:**  Sebastian knows something is wrong with the way Blaine is glowering at him over the rim of his mug of eggnog. Once he discovers the reason why, he makes resolutions to plan something special with the help of some old friends. **Close to Nothing sequel**  
**Warnings/Spoilers:**  As a ' _Close to Nothing_ ' sequel,  **THIS CHAPTER WILL SPOIL MAJOR PLOT POINTS FOR THAT FIC IF YOU HAVEN'T READ IT**  so you should really go and do that now because it'll just add more weight to the universe that this is set in. Also, you may (eventually) still need tissues for later chapters because if you've read CtN then you know what Sebastian's like.  
**Disclaimer:** I am in no way associated with Glee, FOX, Ryan Murphy, or anything else related to the FOX universe.

* * *

In the ensuing days, Blaine's perky enough with his family but around Sebastian he lulls into a sullen silence, proving Sebastian has done something wrong even though he's hopelessly unsure about what that is. Blaine takes his mother's car to Lima the day after Christmas to see his former teammates – ever the socialite, was Blaine Anderson – and Sebastian uses the opportunity to catch up on emails, refusing to liken himself to his father who is notorious for working through the holidays.

In the past, he'd gone with Blaine to see the McKinley kids who had returned to Lima for the festive period, even though none of them were kids anymore. This year though, with Blaine's surliness and Sebastian's discomfort, he thought it might have been better for Blaine to go alone. He could only imagine how the rumour mill would thrive on the tension between them and be read as an imminent breakup which would surely be celebrated behind his back, because even though it was nearly two decades since the fateful slushie incident, he knew they still viewed him with distrust and doubted the depth of his feelings for Blaine.

It didn't seem to matter that he'd accompanied Blaine to an array of functions and events involving his former rivals over the years. He'd been with Blaine at Hummel's wedding, smiling politely when he congratulated Hummel and his new beau even though he was only really there to hold Blaine's hand throughout the whole thing and stop him from getting totally plastered afterwards (and even then he was pretty sure he hadn't had feeling in his fingers for a good three days and Blaine had required a large quantity of Advil the following morning). He'd been to Rachel's various Broadway productions more times than he could count and was almost, maybe, friends with Jesse after the amount of times they'd had to socialise together when Rachel stole Blaine to take him backstage of various theatres and introduce him to celebrities that always left Blaine's eyes as wide and star-struck as the moon. He'd been at the airport when Sam and Mercedes had departed for Los Angeles and he'd supported Blaine through his misery for the ensuing week because his high school best friend was on the other side of the country. He'd been at the christening of Quinn and Puck's son. He'd seen the ecstatic highs and devastating lows of Brittany and Santana's attempts to conceive a child before Brittany had finally fallen pregnant with twins. And on and on and on it went.

All of them had embarked on their own lives and, through Blaine, Sebastian had witnessed a great deal of changes and growth in every single one of them. And yet, somehow, they remained dubious of his feelings for Blaine, like he isn't capable of the same change and growth, like Blaine isn't capable of making his own choices and decisions. It's like they thought he'd put a spell on Blaine and somehow kept him in a relationship for six years against his will. As if Blaine's will was so easily broken.

Except Blaine's attitude since Christmas Day has left Sebastian incredibly wary and nervous about their relationship extending to a seventh year.

On the 28th, they return to New York. It's reached the point that Blaine isn't speaking to him anymore except for monosyllabic answers about whether he wants coffee or whether they should take the subway back to their apartment. Blaine definitely isn't making eye contact with him and Sebastian still feels the aching burn in his lungs from when he'd reached for Blaine's hand at the airport and Blaine had changed direction and moved away. He'd tried to conceal how painful that had been, his hand left to grasp empty air while his heart prepared to launch from his throat and his stomach splattered on the linoleum floor at his feet, but he thinks even a blind man would've seen how much it hurt.

Half a dozen times an hour during their return to New York, Sebastian had opened his mouth to say something, to ask, to observe, to challenge, to do  _anything_  that would get them talking again.

Except then he became too worried about Blaine exploding in a public place and clamped his mouth shut again.

The distance Blaine has erected around them doesn't change after they return to their apartment and Sebastian feels increasingly conflicted when he's surrounded by familiar items and an alien boyfriend. It leaves him more and more antsy, more and more nervous, more and more uncertain because he doesn't know how to _fix_ whatever it is that he's so clearly broken.

When they climb into bed that night and Blaine makes it clear he doesn't want to be held, Sebastian curls away with a pillow clutched to his chest. He hopes Blaine doesn't feel the bed shuddering or hear the faint breathy sniffles as he cries himself to sleep because the pillow is a poor substitute for the man he loves who may as well be on the other side of the country.

* * *

The sun has barely peeked above the horizon when the elevator doors  _clunk_ shut. Sebastian stops his feet and scrunches his fingers as it descends, urging the blood to start circulating before he steps into the wintry freeze for his morning run.

Running had been something Blaine had suggested because after Andy's death, Sebastian had stopped taking care of himself which included working out. His days of racing around playing lacrosse or soccer or even just choreographing a dance routine had seemed to belong to a different lifetime, and Blaine had encouraged him to resume some level of exercise because it might help stabilise his moods and reduce his restless energy.

And it worked, because otherwise Blaine wouldn't have suggested it. It helped unspool the tension from his muscles after sleeping and it helped him focus later on in the day when he was dealing with a client and it increased his wakefulness when he had quiet and lazy weekends with Blaine that could quite easily end up with them asleep on the couch. So this morning, he finds the rhythmic thud of his feet, the frantic pound of his heartbeat, the icy burn of the air in his lungs familiar and refreshing and he always enjoys seeing New York still emerging from a night of wintry slumber. The quiet beauty of the city is his favourite, like he's seeing a side to the city that most sleep through.

This morning, none of it, nothing he sees or does, and no matter how far or hard he runs, makes him feel any better about the situation with Blaine. His shoulders remain rigid with tension, his stomach churns with anxiety, his heart skips a beat every time he thinks about needing to return home and face more silence, more awkwardness, more unease.

The city has come alive by the time he returns to his apartment: yellow cabs have blossomed on the city streets; early, confident drivers dart across intersections once commuters have crossed; subway grates belch foul steam and smoke. Sebastian's lungs burn with a significant number of inhaled snowflakes, and his muscles ache with fatigue, and the chilled sweat that makes his clothes stick to him leaves him shivering and wishing for a second hoodie. There's a heavy quantity of trepidation weighing down his steps as he enters the elevator and zooms towards his apartment.

And inside, it's cold.

It's silent.

It's abandoned.

He's pretty sure he tramples on his own heart as he crosses the threshold and looks left and right, tuning his hearing towards any noise that shows Blaine's in the apartment, but it's deathly still which only makes the roaring panic filling his ears sound louder.

"Blaine?" he calls, sucking his lower lip between his teeth as he heads left to check the kitchen and living room – warm and festive despite the cold fear surrounding Sebastian's heart – and then rushes to check the bedroom, the spare room, the bathroom. He can feel tears burning his eyes, a wet trail slick on his cheek, and his hands tremble as he picks up one of Blaine's hoodies from the clothes hamper. He rubs the fabric between his fingers and holds it to his nose, inhaling the cologne he knows so well and the scent of coffee that was ever-present on every piece of clothing Blaine owned. "I guess you're not here then," he mumbles into the fabric.

He doesn't receive an answer but he's pretty sure if he were holding a talking piece of clothing, he'd keel over in a dead faint.

He tugs the hoodie over his head but it doesn't really reduce his shivering as he returns to the bedroom and approaches the closet. He doesn't realise he's been holding his breath until he opens the door and it  _whoosh_ es out of him unsteadily when he sees Blaine's brightly coloured clothes are still hanging up. He tries to feel comforted that Blaine hasn't packed up and left but-

"What are you doing?"

Sebastian whips around, his heart stuttering at Blaine's accusatory stare much like it had when he was jogging through Central Park an hour ago and his thoughts kept drifting back to Blaine and what he was meant to do.

"I-"

He looks at the clothes, looks down at his left hand twisted into the fabric of Blaine's hoodie, and back to Blaine. Maybe honesty was the best policy. Maybe if he just tore his heart open and released the can of worms that felt so insidiously toxic, then Blaine would start talking too and they could sort this whole mess out.

"I thought… I thought maybe you'd…l-left," he says, his eyes lowering towards the floor while his heart almost certainly fractures in his chest with how hard it feels to breathe. "You've been so…so distant and quiet for days and then I got back and you were gone and I- I had to check you hadn't packed your bags too and-"

"Seriously, Seb?" Blaine laughs, quietly enough that it's not meant to be mocking but it still pokes at Sebastian's frayed and blistered nerves. He peers up to see Blaine shaking his head, a small and fond smile gracing his face and it's the first time Blaine has been warm to him in days. He realises the hoodie hadn't really reduced his shivering but seeing Blaine's smile certainly had. "I went to get groceries. We needed fresh milk and bread after being away for a week."

Oh.

"Oh."

He watches as Blaine crosses the small distance between them but there's an obvious hesitation when he goes to reach for Sebastian's hand. His heart cracks a bit again. He's not sure Blaine's hesitated around him in  _years_ , not since those early months when they'd been trying to figure out the adult versions of themselves, and Sebastian had been so guarded and afraid, and Blaine had been so gentle and respectful. But that was seven years ago and even then Blaine had been quietly confident and assured, like he instinctively knew what Sebastian needed and was able to soothe him without words when he sank to his lowest depths in the company of another. But now…

"Sebastian, I…" Blaine scrunches his eyes shut like the pain on Sebastian's face is too awful to see and sighs. "I'm sorry you freaked out. It never occurred to me that I should've left a note saying I'd gone out to get groceries. I didn't realise you were so…so anxious right now."

Sebastian nods, accepting the apology because Blaine's nothing if not earnest to a fault, and he bites the bullet – and his bottom lip – by loosely curling his fingers around Blaine's wrist. Blaine's eyes snap open at the contact and he gazes at the distant expression in the honey-hazel eyes which have entranced him for so long. It's the first time they've touched in days and he's still so uneasy and afraid that it feels like a hole has been eaten through his heart and into his stomach. He feels so empty and hollow and raw and fragile.

"I feel like I'm losing you, losing  _us_ ," he confesses, searching Blaine's eyes like he's trying to find the thoughts that will reassure him they'll be okay. Blaine's still so much better at reading him because Blaine's job requires neutral expressions and controlled emotions and Sebastian still has days where he splinters apart and can't hold it together and he just needs Blaine's assurances that they'll be okay. "I don't know what I did and I don't know what I'd do without you but I- I'm scared that it's destroying us, whatever it is, and I just want to  _fix_  it, B."

Somewhere during his little speech, the rim around Blaine's starts to grow pink and his fingers twist to hook around Sebastian's. A sob gets stuck in Sebastian's throat because they aren't usually like this, they haven't been timid around each other for years and years and years, and he just wants to rewind the past week and start again so then he can watch everything he says and does and everything Blaine says and does to pinpoint the moment where everything changed.

"You're not losing me," Blaine whispers, leaning towards him for the first time in days and placing the first stitch into his broken heart to heal it again. "We're not getting lost."

"Then what-"

"You were meant to propose!" Blaine yells and then he's gone, tearing his hand away from Sebastian, tearing their bodies apart. The suddenness of his movement isn't nearly as painful as the fresh, jagged scar seared into Sebastian's heart as he processes Blaine's words and actions.

"I- What?"

"You heard me!" Blaine says, folding his arms over his chest and Sebastian wonders if it's because Blaine's heart is hurting as much as Sebastian's. "We've been together for six years! I'm in my mid-thirties and you were there when Kurt got married but you still haven't proposed and I don't understand why you haven't already. What are you waiting for?"

Sebastian can only gape in disbelief and surprise. Blaine's expectation that he was going to propose is so wildly far away from any of his anxious thoughts that he can almost hear the gears in his brain grinding in confusion at the sudden change of direction. How on Earth is he meant to get out of this one? Had Blaine found the ring he'd hidden at Rachel's place seven months ago because he had a feeling Blaine knew where every belonging and every speck of dust was in their apartment, so he decided it was unwise to leave it in one of their drawers? Had Rachel been dropping hints that made Blaine think he was going to propose when they went to Lima for Christmas? Had Jesse texted Blaine asking for a picture of the ring? No one else knew he'd bought a ring.  _No one_. So how had Blaine gotten the idea that he was going to propose?

Even more terrifyingly, he doesn't know how to soothe Blaine's disappointment without causing an epic fight or a break-up or a separation where Blaine flees to Rachel's couch – and possibly searches through her apartment to find the ring he thought he'd been smart to conceal at a different apartment.

"Uh…" He frowns and rubs a hand over his face, trying to close the hinge of his jaw and give himself a frantic few extra seconds to come up with a suitable excuse that will neutralise any potential argument. "I, um… I guess I just… I wasn't sure that…you even wanted to get engaged again, you know?" He can tell by the way Blaine's face falls that it's the wrong thing to say but he thinks that if he sets this up like he's blaming  _himself_ , like  _he's_  still got issues, then it will make Blaine sympathetic rather than enraged. "Blaine, I- I saw how you were when Hummel got married and…you know how I was after Andy. I couldn't, I  _can't_ , go through losing another husband and I- I'm scared that maybe I'll make you as sad as Hummel did, or something will happen to one of us, or maybe you don't want to marry me anyway because I still don't think your McKinley friends like me enough to truly congratulate us, and marriage is just so-"

Blaine presses a trembling index finger to Sebastian's lips, silencing his rambling, and he realises his cheeks are cool. He raises a hand to swipe at his face, feeling dazed that he's crying again, and Blaine catches his hand and grips it tight enough to crush the little bones of his fingers.

So maybe he overdid the self-blame thing a little bit…

…but he realises that none of what he'd said is a lie and he hates that he's in his thirties and still so insecure.

Isn't he meant to grow out of that phase at some point?

"Sebastian…"

Blaine exhales his name almost like a plea and a promise, and by the little furrow between his brows Sebastian knows Blaine's at a loss for words. Sebastian manages a weak smile, glad that he's managed to reduce the likelihood of an explosive fight, and holds open his arms. It's not often he leaves Blaine speechless. Usually it's Blaine who espouses pretty things that leave Sebastian unable to do anything except blink away tears and nod his agreement because Blaine is truly gifted at being able to calm his emotions.

Blaine sniffles and folds into his chest, tan fingers hooking into the hoodie Sebastian's wearing and clinging like his life depends on it. "I had no idea you felt that way," Blaine whispers and Sebastian lowers his head to press a soft kiss to the top of Blaine's curls.

"There's a lot you don't know about me, Blaine Anderson," Sebastian jokes and Blaine jabs him in the chest.

"Don't ruin the sentimental moment," Blaine says, a teasing rebuke that quells Sebastian's instinctive urge to cover up his feelings with sarcasm. He doubts he'll ever erase how he reacts to moments infused with too many emotions. "Firstly, you know you're nothing like Kurt, right? In my eyes or in any of the New Directions'?"

Sebastian wrinkles his nose and tries to hide his facial expression when Blaine pulls away to look at him when the silence stretches too long.

"You're ridiculous," Blaine says with an eye roll, pushing Sebastian gently until he's sitting on the side of the bed with Blaine in his lap. "They…worry, I guess. All of them know you've changed because they can all recognise they've changed. They trust my judgement of you and we spend enough time with Rachel and Jesse that her opinion has definitely changed. I'm pretty sure Rachel's defended you at least twice in the group chat."

Sebastian's eyebrows rise towards his hairline. The New Directions kids have a  _group chat_  still going after almost  _twenty years_? He has some fleeting contact with former Warblers from time to time, but usually that's because Blaine drags him somewhere to see Nick, Jeff or Trent. Blaine's much better at keeping in touch with people because he's the social butterfly, revelling in sharing stories and helping his friends, to Sebastian's social moth. He never understands how Blaine has the energy and emotional capacity to keep up with everyone.

"But we  _all_  worry about each other, y'know? Like I worry about Rachel wearing herself out and not being able to take care of the kids, or I worry that Kurt's next show will bomb in London and he'll start doubting himself again, or I worry that Puck will freak out and end up in another state if Quinn falls pregnant again, or I worry that Sugar will end up in prison rather than rehab next time she sees something pink and fluffy that she wants but can't afford after her dad lost everything."

Blaine sighs, shaking his head a little, and Sebastian fights how endearing he finds it because he recognises Blaine's attempt to focus his thoughts. Blaine takes his hands, threading their fingers together, and he feels his breathing stutter a little in his throat because he always finds it so reassuring when they're holding hands.

"I'm not going to lie," Blaine continues, smoothing his thumbs over Sebastian's knuckles. "I know they don't really understand  _us_  the way they understood Kurt and me, mostly because they don't know you that well, but I realised a long time ago that they don't have to understand us. As long as  _I_  understand us and as long as  _I_  understand you, then it's okay. If they never know about Andy, then they never need to and I'm okay with that and I'm okay with you and with us. I adore you, and that's enough."

Sebastian finds it difficult to swallow around the lump in his throat as Blaine kisses his forehead and erases some of his worry lines by gently nuzzling his hair.

"If we get married and it doesn't work out, then hey, at least we tried, right?" Blaine murmurs, and it's comforting and not really comforting at the same time how flippant Blaine is towards a marriage – but he supposes Blaine went through his own version of heartbreak when the engagement to Hummel ended. "I know how much you miss Andy and I know how hurt you were, and continue to be, but  _I_  know, and  _you_  know, that before the grief, there were plenty of great moments and great memories you made with him. You never thought about the worst happening when you proposed or got married to him, so I'd rather you didn't think about the worst happening to us. Life is just…life, right? It runs its course but all we have is the here and now, and right now you have me but if we don't work out then I can always revert to being miserable again and someone else can come along who-"

Sebastian can't help the possessive growl slipping past his lips as he kisses Blaine, refusing to consider that he'd ever lose Blaine although distantly he knows it's always a very real possibility that they could grow apart. Blaine giggles against him before gradually taking control of the kiss, taming Sebastian's desperate monster into a settled pet within his chest. He knows Blaine's right. In his wildest dreams, he never envisaged what would happen to his relationship with Andy when they got together and then rapidly progressed through relationship milestones but losing Andy had darkened every day, week, month for years until his fears and anxieties consumed and choked him at every turn.

And then Blaine had answered his call for help and refused to let Sebastian suffer alone anymore.

"I love you," Blaine whispers against his lips, his eyes huge in Sebastian's vision as their noses graze and he inhales slowly and calmly for the first time since Christmas Day in the Andersons' lounge room.

"I love you too," he replies, folding Blaine into a hug.

They cuddle in silence for a while and slowly the anxious butterflies that had swarmed within Sebastian's torso lessen with every steadying beat of his heart.

And then Blaine interrupts the serenity he'd been savouring.

"So are you going to propose now or?"

He snorts and shakes his head, amused but also determined that he'd make a proposal special rather than a spur-of-the-moment response to Blaine's request. "My clothes stink of sweat. I haven't showered today. This is  _wholly_  unromantic and  _totally_  not the time and you know that unless I do something perfect, you'll tell everyone the story of how I proposed in my stinky gym clothes because I felt guilty and you said yes because you'd pressured me into it and-"

Blaine pouts, but the small smile on his lips shows he's not going to start crying or yelling again. "You're always finding excuses."

"Trust me, when I propose it'll be worth the wait," he says with a wink and a kiss to Blaine's cheek as he shifts the shorter male onto the bed and collects a change of clothes from his drawer.

"It had better be!" Blaine calls after him when he closes the bathroom door.

He laughs but deep inside he feels a restless sort of churning, one that's existed for seven months since he'd bought the ring. Rachel's known the whole time, she was there when he picked out the ring, and he keeps expecting that she'll just dig it out when they have a potluck party and throw it at his head in a very unsubtle hint to get a move on and drop to a single knee.

As the warm water swirls away his sweaty skin, he knows it's stupid to keep waiting. He can't pretend he's not anxious about something going wrong and losing Blaine – he'd always have those – but using Andy's name and memory is… It's not exactly an  _excuse_  but he knows that all it does is allow him to procrastinate a bit longer. He took his wedding ring off years ago and stowed it in the box with Andy's things that he keeps in the closet of the spare room.

He's grateful the sound of the rushing water hitting the tiles hides his quiet sobs as he leans against the walls, overwhelmed by the reality that he loves Blaine, he truly does, but he's so terrified of ruining the relationship they have now that he's paralysed at the thought of changing it.

* * *

_**~TBC~** _


	3. Chapter 3

 

**Title:** Worth Fighting For  
**Author:** an-alternate-world  
**Rating:**  M  
**Characters/Pairing:** Sebastian Smythe/Blaine Anderson  
**Word Count:**  3,351  
**Summary:**  Sebastian knows something is wrong with the way Blaine is glowering at him over the rim of his mug of eggnog. Once he discovers the reason why, he makes resolutions to plan something special with the help of some old friends. **Close to Nothing sequel**  
**Warnings/Spoilers:**  As a ' _Close to Nothing_ ' sequel,  **THIS CHAPTER WILL SPOIL MAJOR PLOT POINTS FOR THAT FIC IF YOU HAVEN'T READ IT**  so you should really go and do that now because it'll just add more weight to the universe that this is set in. Also,  **I've needed tissues**  every time with this chapter so you might want to prepare yourself.  
**Disclaimer:** I am in no way associated with Glee, FOX, Ryan Murphy, or anything else related to the FOX universe.

* * *

The discord between them fades and though Sebastian starts to feel like every moment is more measured – like Blaine anticipates he'll fall to one knee without warning any time that they're together – they're no longer avoiding each other and he doesn't fret quite so much that he'd monumentally screwed up over Christmas. He can't shake that he's still uncertain and he can't hide that some nights he clings to Blaine a little tighter, a little closer, a little longer.

He wonders if he's really made any progress with this 'grieving' thing at all.

A few days after New Year, Blaine leaves to have lunch with Rachel because she has a day off from rehearsals. Left alone and disinterested in watching a movie, reading a book or aimlessly wandering the streets, Sebastian retreats to the spare room to go through his box of memories again. He knows there are tears on his cheeks before he's even removed the lid of the box, but he's somewhat grateful to his past self for leaving the pale green manila folder on top which contains their letters. One time, he'd opened the box and the first thing he'd seen was an assortment of photos that left him curled up and sobbing.

Opening the box, going through the contents, isn't something he's at peace with yet. It's almost a form of torture because he finds that on days when he's overcome by melancholia, but unable to really  _feel_  or process emotions, making himself cry helps. And it doesn't take much of the box before he's hurting again but also grieving and accepting.

Sometimes it's the wedding photos, increasingly crinkled and tearstained, that set him off. Andy had looked so handsome, his dark hair contrasting with the pale grey suit, and the look of love on his face was one Sebastian vividly remembers and wishes he could see again.

Sometimes it's the notes they'd passed back and forth during tutorials, or hastily scribbled plans, or gossip they'd shared during a lecture when they couldn't talk, or love notes he'd kept because it was his first real relationship and he was a giddy teenager. He's traced his finger around Andy's looping handwriting more times than he knows, faint whispers of Andy's voice circling his ears.

In reality, he knows he's not haunted by the ghost of Andy's memory anymore, and he knows he's not betraying his relationship with Andy by being with Blaine, but sometimes… Sometimes going through the box hurts so much that he feels breathless, like his ribcage is shrinking around his vital organs and trapping air in his burning throat. It always has the desired effect of shattering his emptiness so he doesn't become icy and closed off and he's pretty sure it's not healthy but at least he always has Blaine after he goes through the box.

This time, he sits against the wall of the spare room beside the closet. The knot of anguish in his chest and throat grows as he skims through the letters and notes in a hodgepodge mess of their handwriting. He knows all the words by heart, from the nonsense note-passing about their thoughts on a tutorial or teacher Sebastian strains to recall, to a gig Andy wanted to take him to but Sebastian thought they needed to work on a paper, to the creased copies of their vows that Andy had insisted they keep and laugh about when they got old or read when they got angry with each other and wanted a separation. Of all the times he's gone through the box, he's never read their vows. The pale white pages of his vows and the pale blue pages of Andy's are things he's never been able to bring himself to unfold and read again. Besides, he remembers them – even now – without looking.

He's only faintly aware of the tiny, half-gasped sobs he releases as he ensures the vows remain safely tucked away at the back of the manila folder.

He's never shown Blaine the box, although the other man knows it exists. About four years ago, he'd finally shown Blaine a photo of Andy and he'd felt and heard Blaine's breath empty his lungs as he'd held the photo in delicate fingers, knowing how precious it was to finally put a face to the person that had been Sebastian's entire world for far too brief a time.

"This is him?" Blaine had whispered unnecessarily. Sebastian had leaned his head against Blaine's shoulder and nodded, looking at the photo fondly. He could remember taking it and he knew Andy had been annoyed about something but he couldn't remember the precise details now. "He's…cute."

Sebastian had snorted, pinching the photo from Blaine's grasp. It was slightly easier to look at photos now without being reminded of that final image he had of Andy's mangled face, but it was still difficult.

"It's okay, you're allowed to be jealous of how hot he is," he'd teased and Blaine had grumbled and folded an arm around his shoulders.

"He looks tall, like he could be a model," Blaine said and he'd nodded, running his index finger over the curve of Andy's shoulder up to his chin and jawline.

"He was my height, so that makes him a giant next to you."

Blaine had poked his bicep and he managed a small smile, the joking helping keep the pain to a minimum.

"You can't really see that his eyes were like…this mixture of blue and green but so pale they looked almost silver sometimes. It was unnerving, how his eyes could follow you around with such sharpness that it made you shiver. They were piercing and he would've made a fierce lawyer because witnesses and clients would've felt compelled to tell the truth under that gaze. But I… Well, I couldn't look away once I saw him and neither could he, though I don't think my eyes are nearly so interesting," he'd mused and Blaine had kissed the top of his head and listened to him talk for probably an hour about what he'd liked about Andy and how he was so different to Blaine, and yet in so many ways they were similar. It was something he both consciously and unconsciously did, where any discussion of Andy didn't devolve into sounding like Blaine meant nothing to him or was a replacement. Somehow his storytelling always meandered towards the recognition that Andy was gone but Blaine wasn't a substitute.

He's never shown Blaine any of their wedding photos and as he turns the pages of the album now, he's struck by how  _young_  he and Andy look. He knows they'd only been hedging the beginning of their twenties but he's hyper-critical of himself and how gangly he looks in his suit, like a kid playing dress-up, and it surprises him that he's filled out his frame since then. By no means is he nursing a beer gut like Blaine's father nor does he have the softness that has settled on Cooper's hips in recent years since Freya was born, but the face he sees in the mirror now is lined with age around his eyes and mouth compared to this photographic version of himself who looks little more than an elongated child.

He digs his teeth into his lower lip and reaches for his phone. It doesn't take him long to find the contact he was looking for and when he hears the first ring, he squeezes his eyes shut because already he can feel the tickle of tears on his cheeks.

"Hello, this is Caroline speaking."

He exhales shakily and swallows around the lump in his throat. "Hey, Carol," he says, his voice wavering with the tears he's trying to hold back as he uses the nickname he'd always used because Andy had told him she preferred family call her Carol.

"Sebastian? My darling! How lovely to hear your voice!" Caroline says, warmth and excitement bleeding into her tone. "How are you?"

"I'm… I'm good," he says, and though he's mostly honest, the shakiness of his words makes her huff and he fights a small, watery smile at how she's always called him out on his bullshit and lies. "Just… Y'know. Going through old photos. Being affected by some dust allergies and stuff."

"Dust allergies, huh?" Caroline teases and he finds that the lump in his throat isn't quite so huge now that he's finally called. Life would be so much easier if his anxiety about poor outcomes didn't get in the way all the time. "And here I thought maybe you'd just missed talking to me that much."

A small bubble of laughter escapes him and he can practically hear her smile over the phone. "I'm sorry it's been so long."

"Sebastian, sweetheart, you know it doesn't matter how long it's been. I,  _we_ , will always answer your call and talk to you," she soothes and he draws his knees towards his chest with his favourite photo of Andy, the one he'd shown Blaine, by his foot. He can't compare how attractive he finds Blaine to Andy, but his husband really was stunning.

"Thank you," he whispers and she hums her acknowledgement.

"So you've got some dust allergies and you missed talking to me more than you're willing to admit. What else can I do for you, darling?"

He gazes at the photo of Andy, almost wishing he didn't feel such a need to make this call, and releases a tremulous breath. "I… Um… So I've told you about Blaine, right?"

"I'm pretty sure you've mentioned him once or twice over the years," she agrees, even though he knows he's mentioned Blaine many more times than that.

"Well, he… Um… He… He thought I was going to…propose…at Christmas. Got all huffy about it too for a few days when I didn't," he says, picking at a loose thread on the carpet in an attempt to stay focused and not break into further tears that will almost certainly get stuck in his throat and strangle his ability to talk. "And I- I love him, Carol. I really do. But… But I'm… I'm so scared. I don't know how to do this again. And he's so patient and kind and gentle that he understood when I told him about Andy but… I'm so scared and I can't shake it."

"My sweet boy," Caroline hushes and he closes his eyes when the tears brim and blur his vision because she's always been so maternal, disregarding her own grief to listen to and care for him. Sebastian's mother had always struggled with what to say and how to look him in the eye after the accident. "You know Andrew would want you to move on, right? You've known that for an awfully long time."

"I know. I just- I can't… I can't lose Blaine too. It… It nearly destroyed me w-when-"

"I know, I remember," she says gently, and he nods and swallows the words he still struggles with saying aloud. "Andrew… He was so caring and sincere, and yet he was bold and determined to succeed and get justice. When I met you, I wasn't sure if it would work because you were both so alike that I thought you'd fight and clash all the time and I'd be left to pick pieces of his broken heart off my living room floor."

He tries to hide his sniffle and wipes his damp cheeks against his sweater because Caroline always has a way of reducing him to feeling like a small boy in need of a mother's love and hearing her perspective on Andy always hurt and healed his heart.

"But you just  _worked_ , you know you did, and I know it was only brief but it was brilliant and beautiful and I marvelled at the grace and composure you had when everything happened, even though I knew you were so broken on the inside that I didn't know what to do," she continues, the line hissing faintly with her sigh. "Sebastian... I didn't just lose one son that night. I lost both of you. For the longest time, I felt like I was watching you from another planet and I'd never be able to reach you again. I know John felt just as concerned. We spoke to your parents often in that first year, offering whatever ideas we could think of if they thought it would help you."

Sebastian frowns and his eyes flicker open because he'd never known that his parents and in-laws had spoken about him, let alone ' _often_ '. How long had that been going on? Did they  _still_  talk? He's not sure he wants to know the answer from Caroline nor does he think he has the guts to ask his own parents. It's like a secretive piece of the worst year of his life had just been unearthed and he wonders what else he doesn't know.

"Sweetheart, if… If Andrew had lived that night, but he'd lost you, I know he would have struggled just as much to cope and move on. He'd never loved anyone like you. I could see it in his eyes when we visited you and I could hear it in his voice when we spoke on the phone and he only wanted to talk about you, not school or New York. Just you." Caroline's voice cracks and he feels awful for making her cry too. He wonders if the pain will ever truly fade away for either of them. "But I also think that, just like you and Blaine, he'd find love again. And he'd make this same sort of phone call, either to me or to your parents, because I think you need to hear that it's okay to love and to lose and to love again, don't you?"

A sob breaks free from the tight seal of his lips and all he can do is wordlessly nod. He knows it's pointless when they're on the phone but he thinks it's impossible to talk right now and he thinks Caroline hearing his sob is enough for her to know her thoughts are confirmed.

"John and I don't hate you for loving Blaine and we certainly won't resent you for marrying him, Sebastian," she says and there's strength and conviction in her words even though he can tell she's struggling with her emotions just as much as he is. "Andrew is a part of you and he always will be. He wrote a chapter in your story, maybe more than a chapter, but your life didn't end that night even though I know it's been an awfully long and painful journey to get to where you are now. Blaine is… By all accounts, Blaine sounds like a spectacular man and you deserve the happiness he brings you."

"B-But… But what if-"

"Darling, are you really allowing your life to be consumed by hypothetical scenarios?" she interrupts and it's so sharp, so much like Andy cutting off one of his worries, he nearly laughs. "Tell me, are you seriously terrified of something awful happening because you think your happiness is cursed, or are you using Andrew as an excuse because you're truly not sure you want to marry Blaine?"

"I love him, I really do," he says, sniffling and shaky but undeniably certain of his feelings. "It's not the same as with Andy, I don't think anything ever will be, but I just… I'm afraid of losing him. Did you know I knew Blaine before I knew Andy?"

She makes a little humming noise and he's not sure if she's acknowledging that he had or if it's a noise she makes to indicate he should continue.

"Anyway, I- Sometimes I think Andy taught me how to love so that when I met other people, then I'd know what to do." He pauses, hesitating for a moment before deciding he needs to tell Caroline what he was like before Andy, because sometimes it's hard to reconcile he met Blaine almost twenty years ago in the middle of a Warbler rehearsal. "You know, I was… I was kind of a huge dick to Blaine in high school and I did so much stupid shit that really hurt him and if he'd been reckless enough to return my interests as a teenager, we never would have gotten anywhere near this point because I wouldn't have known how to love him. So Andy… I wouldn't trade him for the world, I'd take back the accident every day if I could, I'd swap our lives so he could live if I could, but he… When Blaine started drawing me out of my grief, I knew how to fall in love with him because of Andy."

Caroline chuckles. "So what are you waiting for, Seb? If you're so sure you love him, don't let your feelings about a tragedy that happened in another lifetime take away that happiness you feel now."

It seems so simple and pure, the sort of state-the-obvious logic that Andy had used on him when he'd panic about completing his next series of assessments, or whether he could ever measure up to his parents' expectations, or when he wasn't sure that Andy liked him enough to stay once he found out that Sebastian had been a total prick in high school.

"I miss him, Carol," he admits and wipes his eyes and cheeks, his pain gradually receding like the ocean at low tide. He could feel traces of hurt carved across his chest like the jagged lines of sand left along the shore, but it's not so consuming that he felt like he was drowning. He just felt raw and tired.

"I miss him too, sweetheart," she replies with a sniffle before her tone brightens. "Hey, listen, you have to do me a favour though, okay?"

One of his eyebrows rise. "Yeah?"

"Send us an invitation to the wedding," she says and it takes his breath away because he never expected his mother-in-law would be able to handle seeing something like  _that_. "I have to meet this Blaine fellow and thank him for sweeping you off your feet and I'm pretty sure John would want the same. We want to see you happy, Sebastian. That's all we'd ever want for our son."

He giggles breathlessly, pondering whether Blaine swept him off his feet as a teenager in the Dalton Common Room or on a random street in New York years ago. Is it possible to be swept off your feet twice by the same person?

"Thank you," he says and she shushes him.

"Thank  _you_  for calling, Sebastian. It's good to see you reaching out rather than bottling it up."

And that, he knows, is absolutely all Blaine's doing.

* * *

He's curled into a ball on the couch watching a really old, really cheesy movie when Blaine gets home from his lunch with Rachel. He can feel Blaine's eyes looking at him, wearing one of Blaine's ridiculously old hoodies that is so stretched and warped it fits Sebastian better now and hugging one of Blaine's pillows to his chest, and he knows, he  _knows_ , Blaine switches mental tracks from preparing to launch into the stories Rachel had told him to shifting him on the couch and spooning behind him. Sebastian can almost  _hear_  the tracks change.

Blaine slings an arm over his waist, lacing their fingers together and nuzzling into the back of Sebastian's neck like they've done countless times when Blaine's found him looking like a fractured mess on the couch.

"You okay?" Blaine whispers as Sebastian cuddles into the embrace, seeking safety and security and sanctuary.

"I will be," he says, gently squeezing Blaine's hand in a reassurance because no, he's not back-sliding into the worst pit of depression like the one he'd started crawling out of seven years ago. Blaine squeezes back and joins in with watching the movie even though he's missed half of it.

Chances are, he's seen it before anyway. Blaine's knowledge of movies was extensive, unfathomable and unbeatable at trivia nights.

* * *

_**~TBC~** _


	4. Chapter 4

 

 **Title:** Worth Fighting For  
**Author:** an_alternate_world  
**Rating:**  M  
**Characters/Pairing:** Sebastian Smythe/Blaine Anderson  
**Word Count:**  2,335  
**Summary:**  Sebastian knows something is wrong with the way Blaine is glowering at him over the rim of his mug of eggnog. Once he discovers the reason why, he makes resolutions to plan something special with the help of some old friends. **Close to Nothing sequel**  
**Warnings/Spoilers:**  As a ' _Close to Nothing_ ' sequel, you really should have read the original already.  
**Disclaimer:** I am in no way associated with Glee, FOX, Ryan Murphy, or anything else related to the FOX universe.

* * *

He texts Rachel and they meet the next week after he finishes work on Tuesday. Her latest musical has just moved to stage rehearsals at the Music Box Theatre after the previous show closed and he always finds it weird to be entering a theatre that is, for all intents and purposes, gutted.

The stage is mostly bare – there are stage-hands building pieces of set or props, and there are people climbing ladders to rig lights and speakers to bars at the front of the stage – but there's no real  _magic_  of a production when the theatre looks like this. He always finds it unnerving because something about the hive of activity is like a secretive world that very few outsiders get to see and it's completely changed his engagement with, and appreciation of, any shows he and Blaine have seen over the years.

Some of the cast members wave at him and he thinks he vaguely recognises them from the various parties Rachel and Jesse have, but he can't match any names with faces.

"Rachel's backstage," a girl with bright yellow pants and pink hair tells him when she catches him searching the crowd for the brunette. The guy standing beside the girl, very obviously eyeing Sebastian up and down even though he has orange hair streaked with blue and just  _no_ , hollers Rachel's name so loudly that one of the crew drops a screwdriver on the stage.

"Sorry!" the orange-and-blue haired boy says, looking sheepish and shrugging as Pink-Haired Girl drags him away.

"Sebastian!" Rachel shrieks, emerging from a door on the side of the stage and skipping down the stairs to launch at him for a hug. "Hi!"

If anyone had told him in high school that he'd be hugging  _Rachel Berry_ one day, he'd have thought they were mad. She's probably become the closest friend he has, Blaine notwithstanding, and he's not sure when or how that happened but it still boggles his mind that it did.

"Hey," he says, patting her back briefly before she releases him and pinches his cheek like his grandmother used to do when he was a very small boy in France.

"How are you?" she says, big brown eyes serious and concerned and he forgets that Blaine tells her just about everything so she probably knows all about how he's been quiet the past few days.

"I'm alright," he assures, kissing the top of her hair as she leans into him. For someone that is such a powerhouse with her voice and a dynamo of energy, he always forgets how small she is. He waves at the stage and she glances towards it, a nervous smile on her face like she needs his approval even though he has no real idea what he's looking at. "Soo… This looks crazy."

"Oh my God, don't even get me started," she says, watching the team of people moving around on the stage. "Charlie, our Crew Head, broke his arm when he stupidly decided to go snowboarding over Christmas with his mates. So now he has to tell everyone else what to do and Charlie is a lot like me, needing to be in control and making things that are perfect, so you can imagine how well that's going."

She points towards a guy, with his entire arm in plaster up to his shoulder, who is jabbing his finger at a piece of paper and then some piece of set that a couple of other guys are standing beside. Given the forlorn looks on their faces and the stormy look on Charlie's, Sebastian suspects the building project isn't going well.

"Then Maxine, our Sound Designer, is struggling to get the sound mix just right because every theatre has slightly different acoustics and there's so much noise from everyone else that she can't separate the sounds properly and then she was complaining to Jorge before because what's the point in getting it perfect if the Tony's still won't recognise her own artistic genius, right? Like everyone else in a musical gets acknowledgement for their work but a sound designer – who is responsible for making sure the audience can literally hear the music in a musical – gets nothing? I mean, she has a point but Jorge isn't throwing this much money at the production only to have the sound get washed out so he told her to shut up and get on with it and then she-"

She pauses and he looks down at the guilty expression on her face.

"I got started, didn't I?" she says, biting her bottom lip, and he laughs and wraps an arm around her shoulders.

"I  _really_  don't understand why you don't like Cooper," he muses as she leads him through the theatre and up the stairs to the second level. It's not exactly quieter but it  _is_  more private, and he likes the ability to look down on everyone, like he's part of some supervisory team but still separated enough from all the strangers he doesn't have to engage in pleasantries and small talk and they won't get interrupted.

"Because he doesn't listen to me! He only wants to talk about himself!"

He arches an eyebrow at her dubiously and she scrunches her nose and pouts at him.

"I thought you wanted to talk to me, not make me feel like a child," she says and he laughs as they sit, his legs draped over a chair in front of him because there just wasn't enough leg room on the upper level of Broadway theatres and her legs folded beneath her.

"You're hardly a child anymore with two rugrats of your own at home," he says and she rolls her eyes and gives him a wave which is a very clear,  _Get to the point_ , gesture. "Look, okay, fine. I, uh… So Blaine brought up that he thought I was going to propose at Christmas."

Her eyes light up and a smile spreads across her face and it's his turn to roll his eyes. "I didn't say anything, I  _swear_. And Jesse is sworn to absolute and total secrecy and the kids don't know so-"

"I'm not accusing you of anything," he interrupts and she nods, still all wide-eyed excitement and joy. "I… I guess, um… Well, I- I called Andy's mom last week and I- I'm more at peace with the idea of, y'know, proposing now than I probably was."

She nods rapidly as he talks and he has a feeling she's struggling not to bounce out of her seat with nervous energy. For once, he's glad he battled through the simplified version of what happened to Andy with her when they'd first re-met at Blaine's insistence five years ago. It means she's understood how challenging this whole process has been since he bought the ring.

"I'm- I'm not asking you to give me the ring back just yet," he says as she visibly deflates. He nearly laughs at her complete change of demeanour. "Soon, though. It- It's cliché but I was thinking I'd propose on Valentine's Day? It's…important. To us. And… Well, I might need your help purchasing some of the stuff I need so that Blaine doesn't see strange purchases or find my browser history deleted and thinks I'm having an affair and then I might need your help getting it all organised and then we… Like, maybe you could ask him to babysit the kids because you and Jesse want to go out to a fancy lunch because you have an evening show so it keeps him busy and unaware and minimises his suspicions that something is happening behind his back?"

Rachel's eyes narrow. "So you're essentially trying to ruin  _my_  Valentine's Day so you can make  _yours_  spectacular?"

He shrugs and runs a nervous hand through his hair. "Not the  _whole_  day. I just… I know this isn't something I can arrange alone when he's already thinking I'm going to propose. Anything I do, anything he thinks I'm doing, will make him curious and potentially spoil it. I know if he realises I've started calling or texting you more then he'll start thinking you're involved in something and he'll start pressuring you, and me, to learn what's going on. It's why I came here from work and I can just use the excuse I got held up at the office to explain why I'm home later than usual so… so I… I just needed your help before the day and on the day and…and I guess I was hoping you liked me enough to help me choreograph some excuses to keep him occupied so that he doesn't suspect anything?"

Rachel's scrutinising look morphs into an ecstatic grin and she flings her arms around him with a shrill exclamation. "Of  _course_  I will help! Tell me  _everything_."

* * *

Sebastian's pretty sure the next month has never passed so quickly, or so slowly, in his life. It's a flurry of texts to Rachel to make sure she remembers to order what he needs and a couple of extra meetings at the theatre after he finishes work to nail down the details of what he needs Rachel to do on the day and what they'll get Blaine to do so he doesn't wonder where Sebastian is. It makes it tremendously difficult to cover his amusement with something resembling genuine dismay when Blaine informs him one evening that they'll have to make dinner reservations for Valentine's Day because he's been tasked with babysitting Alison and Luca.

"That seems kinda inconsiderate of them," he says as considerately as he can while Blaine grumbles and stirs the pasta.

"You're telling me, but she absolutely wouldn't be persuaded otherwise. ' _It's very hard to have alone time when you have children, Blaine. I'm sure you will understand one day and load your brood up on us just so you and Sebastian can screw each other's brains out for a few hours_ ,'" Blaine mimics. It's a perfect imitation and Sebastian hopes that Blaine thinks he choked on his sip of water because of what was said and not because he's thinking that what she said was  _not_  part of their original plan.

Still, it does the trick of locking Blaine into being busy for the day.

"So she thinks we'll have a  _brood_  of children, huh?" he says with a slight smile and Blaine throws a withering look over his shoulder.

"You'll be lucky if I agree to any more than two. Between Cooper and Rachel complaining about their hands being full, I am not in a rush to have a  _dozen_."

He snorts and the conversation shifts to what they'd name a dozen children – first names, middle names, whether they'd hyphenate last names or take turns in having a Smythe baby or an Anderson baby – and it perfectly redirects Blaine's attention as the name suggestions become more and more ridiculous ("But just think, Sebastian, we could name them Banana and Apple and Kiwi and Mango and Apricot, and when we need them to come for dinner, we just yell 'FRUIT SALAD!'!).

In the month of semi-frantic and definitely-panicked organising, he's not sure if Blaine suspects anything but he hopes to God that he doesn't. Although he tries to act totally normal, sometimes Blaine is looking at him with an odd expression and he immediately wonders if there's something in his eyes that betrays how he's still rearranging parts of the proposal plan. It's hard to completely conceal his feelings when he's been such an open book with Blaine, when Blaine can peel away his layers to expose the vulnerabilities beneath, but at the same time he needs to not close himself off so much that Blaine starts worrying that he's withdrawing and back-sliding into depression. He hopes he allays Blaine's concerns by taking an extra moment when they're kissing to try to convey how he feels with the press of his lips, or grasping at Blaine's slick hip when they move together in the dead darkness of night-time, but he can't risk asking Blaine and Blaine turning the interrogation around and suddenly he's exposing his plan to propose.

The anticipation reminds him of what it was like when he'd decided to propose to Andy and how he'd spent sleepless nights working how the date and the time and the location and what to say and what to do, and in-between that he'd been fighting the fluttery urge to just  _do it_ , right then, right now, wherever they were, whatever time of day it was, plans be damned. He knew Andy would've said yes long before New Year and he knows Blaine would say yes if he asked him first thing in the morning, the early light spilling over his tan skin and making him glow. It's part of what makes planning something so big so difficult and yet he knows neither Andy nor Blaine would ever reject him if he simply asked them over a bowl of cereal.

But lying awake on yet another sleepless night with Blaine's snuffly snores beside him because he's too busy thinking about the right words to say, he figures it shouldn't be so hard to act  _normal_. Surely he was a capably functioning human at some point in his life, right?

* * *

_**~TBC~** _


	5. Chapter 5

  ****

 **Title:** Worth Fighting For  
**Author:** an_alternate_world  
**Rating:**  M  
**Characters/Pairing:** Sebastian Smythe/Blaine Anderson  
**Word Count:**  3,507  
**Summary:**  Sebastian knows something is wrong with the way Blaine is glowering at him over the rim of his mug of eggnog. Once he discovers the reason why, he makes resolutions to plan something special with the help of some old friends. **Close to Nothing sequel**  
**Warnings/Spoilers:**  As a ' _Close to Nothing_ ' sequel, you really should have read the original already.  
**Disclaimer:** I am in no way associated with Glee, FOX, Ryan Murphy, or anything else related to the FOX universe.

* * *

By the time the sun has started to streak the clear sky on Valentine's Day, he feels like he's going to vibrate out of his skin with anticipation and anxiety.

He ensures that his routine is maintained to the highest degree to avoid arousing Blaine's suspicions. He leaves for his morning run soon after the sun has risen and it truly helps settle his nerves. He returns to make Blaine breakfast in bed, which is a little unusual, but he uses the excuse that it's the least Sebastian could do to start Valentine's Day when Blaine would be gone the whole day. They make out in the shower for so long Sebastian wonders if there'll be any hot water left for the neighbours and he kisses Blaine's temple when he leaves for Rachel and Jesse's place with the best fake-pout he can manage at seeing him leave for the day.

"I'd rather just spend the day in bed with you," he complains and Blaine giggles and kisses him.

"I think that's exactly why I have to spend the day babysitting," Blaine says and Sebastian wrinkles his nose, suddenly pleased Rachel had used such foul reasoning to get Blaine out of the apartment.

"And now that my boner is effectively killed and I will almost certainly gag next time I see Rachel and Jesse, you can leave and develop her kids into evil minions," he says and Blaine throws his head back and laughs. It's such a pure, beautiful sound that Sebastian's honestly delighted with himself.

Blaine gives him one last kiss and then he's gone, leaving Sebastian to clean up the breakfast dishes and straighten the bed and towels.

When he receives a text an hour later from Rachel that Blaine has been safely left with the children, he escapes the apartment and heads to where he'd planned to meet Rachel and Jesse: the theatre.

* * *

"This…seems like a lot," he says, his eyes wide as he observes the array of flowers filling Rachel's dressing room. He'd already seen buckets of flowers backstage and the perfume of this many roses is heady and almost sneeze-inducing.

Rachel bounces on the spot, her hands clasped in front of her chest. "Well, you said you wanted a lot," she says very matter-of-fact and though he has to agree, there are still far more flowers than he'd anticipated.

"You can never have too many flowers," Jesse says, leaning against Rachel's dresser with his arms folded over his chest. His smile and his words seem smug but the look in his eyes suggests he's as overwhelmed by the quantity of flowers as Sebastian.

And there are far more flowers than the three of them can carry, or feasibly set up before Blaine should hopefully arrive around three.

"Rachel, what on- Oh. Hi, Jesse and…someone."

Sebastian turns to see the stranger and Rachel springs past him to wrap the woman in a hug. "Hi, Maxine! You got my message?"

"No, I just knew you needed me to show up," Maxine says dryly and Sebastian vaguely recalls Rachel mentioning a Maxine in relation to…something crew-related in the show. "You sure ordered a lot of flowers, girl."

"Sebastian said he wanted lots," Rachel shrugs and looks alarmingly unrepentant for someone who probably ordered three times as many flowers as Sebastian had envisaged needing.

"And you're Sebastian, I presume?" Maxine says, turning her eyes on Sebastian and looking him up and down. He guesses she's in her fifties with fiercely discerning eyes and multicoloured hair woven into a complex braid that looks awesome. "You don't seem like a sap."

He blinks wide eyes at her and Rachel breaks into peels of laughter. When Sebastian shoots a glare at her, even Jesse looks amused.

"Love makes people do strange things, Maxi," Rachel chirps and Maxine rolls her eyes. Sebastian gets the feeling she's just like him when he was a cynical teenager. It's hard to believe he's been lucky enough to find two great loves since then.

"The rest of the crew is on the stage awaiting your orders. Should we get this show on the road, Berry?" Maxine says and Sebastian is bewildered by the request as Rachel slips into high gear and exits the dressing room with Maxine, rattling off demands and suggestions as they go.

He feels dazed, and only part of that is because of the scent of all the flowers assaulting his olfactory system. "Jesse, I- I just wanted to say thank you," he says, his eyes skipping around the room before settling on the other man. He suddenly feels as awkward and shy as he did the first time he proposed, like he's losing the wisdom of age and returning to a skittish child. "I imagine you've had to deal with a lot of Rachel's energy the past month and I… I'm really grateful to you, to both of you, for helping me with this today."

Jesse smiles, looking so calm and composed that Sebastian's a little envious. "Anything for you, man. You know that." He claps Sebastian on the shoulder as he approaches the exit, squeezing some strength into his bones and withdrawing some of his nerves. "But you owe me big time for taking over my Valentine's Day with Rach."

"Don't I know it," he murmurs as Jesse flashes him a congenial smile and leaves to find his wife.

* * *

It almost,  _almost_ , feels like his proposal has been hijacked by Rachel but he also knows that none of this would have been possible without her. Her determination and control of a small army of people reminds him of the formidable New Directions leader she'd once been. In the ensuing years, what happened to the guy that tried to manipulate her by Photoshopping inappropriate pictures of Finn Hudson?

"No no no, George! You have to take those over there!" she shouts from a stool that someone had brought with them and Sebastian wonders if Rachel will ever decide to step onto the other side of the spotlight and direct something. She certainly has the stubbornness to pull it off. "Sebastian." She waves him over and he dodges all the people he doesn't know who have been constantly moving around him, creating patches of flowers in line with where Rachel, Jesse, Maxine or Charlie pointed. For a proposal plan he'd devised, it feels very much like he's taking a backseat to the overall execution of it. "So I hope you still feel like this is your thing but I also had this idea because there are just  _so many_  flowers…"

She details her thoughts and he obliges the idea with a nod because why the hell not go all out? Maxine mightn't think he was a sappy romantic but Blaine absolutely was and when he had this many people he didn't know helping out? Why the hell not, indeed.

His phone buzzed in his pocket and a grin spread across his face at the message on the screen.

> **Blaine**  
>  _These excitable munchkins are *demanding* we go to the Natural History Museum and then walk along 79_ _th_ _through CP and I'm terrified they'll get sick and Rachel will blame me for not dressing them in a fifth coat and a third scarf._

"Well?" Rachel interrupts and he holds up the message for her to read. Her smile is almost as blinding as his own. "Excellent and perfectly according to plan."

He nods and starts composing a response that's filled with reassurances and teasing.

"By the way, if they get sick, I will totally blame him," she sasses before flouncing off to give orders to some other unsuspecting crew lackey.

> **Sebastian  
>  ** _Make sure *you* have a fifth coat too so you don't get sick or I'll blame Rachel for roping you into babysitting on today of all days. Also if you're walking 79_ _th_ _, I hope you'll show them our favourite Gardens and Castle ;)_

The speech bubble and three dots erupts almost immediately, followed by Blaine's brief response. It's exactly what he'd needed Blaine to say to confirm that Sebastian's plan to involve the kids dragging Blaine around, and to his current and final destination, was the right one.

> **Blaine**  
>  _What sort of godfather do you think I am? Of course I will!_

He pockets his phone and turns to help some of Rachel's theatre friends organise the flowers among the specific garden areas they'd picked out a couple of weeks ago. Getting Blaine here without suspicion was always the riskiest part of the plan. It relied wholly on a pair of children who were as stubborn and determined as their mother but they were also too young to be told  _why_ they had to keep demanding Blaine take them to the Museum and then through the Park. If Sebastian had simply texted and said to meet him at their favourite spot on Valentine's Day?

Yeah, Blaine would've known what was up immediately.

 _Definitely_  a wise choice to use the kids.

* * *

Hours gradually drift by and workers gradually drift away as the volume of work gradually reduces. As they leave, Sebastian takes the time to thank all of them individually even though their names rapidly escape him because he's not fully concentrating on anything other than how every second that ticks by magnifies his anxiety further. He's pretty sure the only reason he can't feel the biting cold is because he has so much restless energy that he keeps pacing around and around the gardens and his fingers keep fidgeting with the ring box in his pockets.

"You're making  _me_  nervous," Jesse says at one point and he smiles weakly, forcing himself to stillness. It only lasts a few minutes and then he's moving and shifting again, the cold against his face maybe the only thing that keeps him present and alert rather than thinking thoughts that are too painful and dark for a day filled with so much light and colour in the dead of winter.

Honestly, Rachel is incredible.

She hugs him a few times throughout the day when, her bright eyes and smile a pleasant distraction from the tired expressions on most of the faces of her crew friends. A few of them had gone to pick up hot dogs and nuts and pretzels and hot chocolates from one of the many food trucks in the Park. The drink had temporarily thawed Sebastian's fingers and the food had temporarily eased the nausea in his stomach, but his anxiety is a tricky beast to manage the closer he gets to knowing Blaine is on his way.

It's approaching three when he gets the text he'd needed from Blaine, but it's not quite as enthusiastic as he'd hoped and he panics at how to respond and calls Rachel over.

> **Blaine**  
>  _Longest. Museum. Trip. Ever. I think I might b regretting agreeing to that walk thru the park :/_

"He  _has_  to go for the walk, right?" he says to Rachel, uncertain how to word a reply that ensures the plan doesn't fall apart in the final moments.

"Give it here," she says, her fingers tapping at the keys and he peers over her shoulder, grateful once again that she'd agreed to get involved with his plan. He's definitely put more thought and organisation into this than with Andy but he also almost feels like he had to, like he and Andy were such a foregone conclusion but Blaine and he have had so many stumbles and hurdles that Blaine deserves to know, and see, how important and valued he is to Sebastian.

> **Sebastian**  
>  _You know those kids will never stop hounding you until you do what they ask. Better get a move on!_
> 
> **Blaine**  
>  _Ugh. Ofc you're right. Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiine._

"Problem solved," Rachel says, handing back his phone and glancing around them. "Which also means it's my cue to clear everyone out, grab Jesse and find the spot we'll intercept the kids." She rises on her tip-toes and kisses his cheek. "Blow him away, Smythe. You both deserve to be happy."

She winks before spinning on her heel and shouting at the handful of people still milling around to head for the Castle. Jesse gives him a thumbs-up and a wink, and then Rachel loops her arm through his and they depart.

And then Sebastian's just left with an endless silence.

Except, he realises, it's not really silence. He can hear the faint chirp of the occasional bird braving the freezing cold. There are rustles every now and then from squirrels racing through the gardens or up trees. The sound of New York traffic is hushed – it always is in the Park during winter, like the cold slows the sounds – but it's still inescapably present. Something about the normality of engines and honks and sirens of New York is comforting.

Rubbing his thumb over the velvet-covered box, he releases a misty white breath and starts his own short trip to the bridge that leads towards the Castle. It's at the end of the floral path Rachel and her team had created and he knows Blaine will know what's happening as soon as he starts along the path. The flower choices had been too deliberate to be a mistake.

And it's still too cold for anything to bloom anyway.

Oddly enough, he starts to feel more and more peaceful as he stands there gazing across the vista they'd created. He'd assumed the anxiety would ramp up once he was left alone with only his thoughts and the nervous anticipation for company, but instead...

"I miss you, Andy," he whispers into the air, his eyes drifting skyward as his breath swirls in front of him. "I miss you, and I love you, and I'm not trying to replace you with Blaine. I could never do that. But I… I hope that if your…spirit or whatever is still around and I'm not just talking to myself then… Then I hope you're okay with this and you know that I will always be grateful to you and I'll always love you."

Despite his inner peace, a single tear slides down his cheek as he closes his eyes and inhales slowly and deeply and exhales slowly and deeply several times to ensure he doesn't break down completely.

That was most definitely not part of the plan and he's almost certain Rachel would kill him if that happened.

He glances at his watch and straightens his shoulders, knowing Blaine should appear at any moment.

* * *

_Blaine's certain that Rachel has lost all babysitting privileges for at least three months after he's dealt with Alison and Luca for the day. It's not that they're bratty or needy or whiny – they're remarkably well-behaved for a four-year-old and a seven-year-old who are biologically related to Rachel Berry – but they are a handful and it confirms Blaine's belief that he doesn't want any such thing as a 'brood' of children with Sebastian. They can't afford to be outnumbered by children._

" _Mama!" Luca shouts and Blaine looks up from where he'd been pointing out the Park's features on the map to Alison. Rachel is strolling towards them, arm-in arm with Jesse, and she looks so radiant and Jesse has this grin on his face that makes Blaine's eyebrows unsure whether they want to frown in confusion or rise in surprise._

" _Hey guys," he says as he lowers Alison to the ground and she runs into the outstretched arms of her father. Jesse sweeps her into a hug and spins her around with some sort of helicopter noise and she squeals and giggles for more._

" _Hey. Fancy meeting you here. We were just enjoying a nice walk," Rachel says as Luca wraps his arms around her waist and starts rattling off all the things they'd done for the day. That was_ definitely _a Rachel Berry trait._

" _Must be a day for it. The kids were very insistent." They grin innocently at him like they haven't terrorised him with endless demands to go to the Museum and the Park in frigid temperatures. He tucks his fingers into the pockets of his coat because his mittens aren't doing enough to keep him warm. "I was going to show them Shakespeare's Gardens but I guess now that you're here, I should head home. Sebastian's probably bored out of his mind."_

_He's known Rachel long enough to tell from her expression that she's hiding something but she's also spent too many years on all sorts of stages, portraying all sorts of characters and situations, that she's become an incredibly accomplished and enormously successful actress. It's probably only because he's known her nearly twenty years that the twinkle in her eye betrays something he can't place. And Jesse… He hasn't known Jesse as long or as deeply, but he still knows him well enough that there's something curious in his smile._

" _Maybe you should visit the Gardens anyway," Jesse says, bouncing Alison in his arms._

" _Yeah! I mean, t's Valentine's Day after all and I know how much you both like the place. You could dream up some romantic evening plans with Sebastian there before you go home. At the moment, you look like you'd just complain to him about taking care of the kids all day."_

_He sort of nods and shrugs because Rachel has a point, and he doesn't feel like returning to Sebastian just to complain about the tiny tearaways that have left him fatigued beyond words. Rachel suggests Alison and Luca should hug Blaine goodbye and thank him for the wonderful day and they comply, although Alison also gifts him a slightly slobbery kiss that makes him wrinkle his nose. Then Jesse is lifting Alison onto his hip and taking Rachel's arm to lead them east out of the park while Luca scrambles ahead._

_It's strange to see them out and about so casually. He knows Rachel has been slammed with the final rehearsals of her latest show at the Music Box Theatre which was due to begin previews next week and she usually becomes very reclusive around showtimes, wanting to preserve her voice and avoid getting sick or running into people hopeful for an autograph or a selfie. At their regular weekend lunches or brunches, she's seemed more tired and drawn with this production and he's been wondering if raising two children and starting another new show is wearing on her. He's considered suggesting she take a vacation to restore her energy because as a Two-time Tony winner, she can afford to take a break and step into any role she wanted upon returning, but he knows now isn't the time when she's about to headline a new show._

_As he looks around himself, at the empty and isolated Gardens in the dead of winter… He doesn't really_ want  _to visit the Gardens without Sebastian. It feels awfully strange and lonely to be left to walk Central Park alone and it's not something he thinks he's ever done. He's always had Kurt or Sebastian or Rachel or_ someone _with him to keep him company, to point out a bird he's missed or to change the direction of the path they're on until they lose track of where they are and have to get to the east or west edges to find street signs and gain their bearing again._

_But now that he's here come all the way here with the kids, Rachel has a point. Why pass up the opportunity when it's Valentine's Day and he's in a bad mood after babysitting, rather than spending it with Sebastian? When he's sorted out his emotional balance, then it's only a fifteen-minute walk back to the subway at the Museum and he can be back at their apartment in an hour. He can afford a brief detour in the cold to gaze at some of the Shakespeare quotes he and Sebastian have deconstructed over the years before he needs to pick out his outfit for their dinner reservations._

_He glances over his shoulder to where Rachel had gone with her family, his last chance to back out…_

_Before stepping towards the Gardens._

* * *

**_~TBC~_ **


	6. Chapter 6

****

**Title:** Worth Fighting For  
**Author:** an_alternate_world  
**Rating:**  M  
**Characters/Pairing:** Sebastian Smythe/Blaine Anderson  
**Word Count:**  6,041  
**Summary:**  Sebastian knows something is wrong with the way Blaine is glowering at him over the rim of his mug of eggnog. Once he discovers the reason why, he makes resolutions to plan something special with the help of some old friends. **Close to Nothing sequel**  
**Warnings/Spoilers:**  As a ' _Close to Nothing_ ' sequel, you really should have read that already to understand the gravitas of this story. There is  **embedded art**  in this chapter, which will also be viewable on my Tumblr. And you may need tissues.  
**Disclaimer:** I am in no way associated with Glee, FOX, Ryan Murphy, or anything else related to the FOX universe.

* * *

_Happy Valentine's Day! Have a Seblaine proposal - on Valentine's Day :)_

* * *

Blaine spots him standing at the top of the bridge almost immediately and he stops moving, his eyes fixed on Sebastian's and his mouth a little agape. There's a small distance between them but Sebastian can see his eyes are red, and not just because it's below freezing and the swirls of wind are glacial.

And then Blaine's moving again, slowly and cautiously climbing the curve of the bridge with a small, shy smile on his face and a sparkle in his eyes that isn't just because there are more tears brimming.

"You're sneaky," Blaine greets with a choked giggle.

Sebastian grins, taking Blaine's hand and pulling him close enough to kiss gently. All his tension and anxiety bleeds away as Blaine rises to his tiptoes to kiss back, mittened hands cradling his face.

"I was once brilliant at planning things," he muses with a dismissive tilt of his head and a quirked eyebrow. Blaine laughs against him, his breath escaping in white puffs against Sebastian's chest as he grasps at Sebastian's scarf. "The next part of the plan involves you listening to me talk about how much I love you."

He releases his grip on Blaine enough to lower himself to one knee and though Blaine would've known what was happening long before now, he still emits the most adorable little gasp of surprise from the widest smile Sebastian's ever seen.

"Blaine Anderson," Sebastian starts, and even though he's mentally rehearsed this for  _months_ , he still finds himself searching for precisely the right words and phrases because he's dreamed this moment so many times and changed his mind about how to start so many times. "Do you remember when we first met and the first thing you said to me was that my voice gave you chills?"

Blaine nods, his eyes shiny and his lower lip trembling but not making a sound. Sebastian wonders if he's become too afraid to speak and break the spell that's enveloped them.

"Well that, Blaine Anderson, is how I felt when I first saw you and how I still feel when I see you. And I don't just say that because I've spent hours in these hellishly freezing temperatures," he jokes and Blaine giggles. "I remember being hopelessly struck by you as a teenager in the Dalton Common Room, not wanting to let you out of my sight because you were so different and so wonderfully brilliant and so incredibly talented and smart. How many nights did we stay up too late quoting  _Romeo and Juliet_  because you wanted to compare your lines to  _West Side Story_?" He sees the flicker of recognition in Blaine's eyes, like a long-buried secret Sebastian's never forgotten. He smiles, rubbing his thumb over the fabric of Blaine's mitten. "We used to talk about Shakespeare a lot, remember? That's part of why I love coming to the Shakespeare Gardens with you, because it reminds me of how we found each other, and lost each other, and then found each other again like some convoluted Shakespeare play where Fate always has a way of drawing together the right people when they need each other the most."

He reaches into his coat and withdraws a small bouquet of five flowers he'd twined with wire earlier in the afternoon, one each of the five flowers that had been carefully planted throughout the Garden over the course of the afternoon. He hands Blaine the bundle and watches him wipe away a couple of tears with his mittens.

"I've been wanting to propose for a really long time. Like, a  _really_  long time. You have  _no_  idea how long I've been thinking about this," he says and Blaine sniffles around a laugh. "And then I settled on today because…because it was the first day I kissed you, because it was the first day I realised you understood me, and you, and  _us_. It was the day I realised you weren't trying to erase or reduce the importance of my relationship with Andy but show your respect for and acknowledgement of it and…and honestly, looking back on it now, I think that's when I realised I really could love you too."

He swallows and exhales slowly, steadying his nerves and his voice by focusing on the flowers.

"The yellow rose symbolises friendship. I think we've done a much better job cultivating friendship as adults than we did as teenagers because even though I know you thought of me as a friend, I'm pretty sure all I was doing was flirting with you but I had no real respect for the relationship you were in or the person you were. Looking back now, I'm sorry for who I was because you deserved so much better than someone filled with such self-importance."

Blaine squeezes his hand, as if to say it's not his fault. He knows he isn't that person anymore, he lost that version of himself years ago, but if he's going to propose, if he's going to say all these things he hasn't said for years because he's struggled to find the words, then he's going to say it now. And Blaine deserves an apology for the teenage brat he was. Most of the McKinley kids do.

"And then… Then there's the red rose, which I know you know symbolises love." His smile wobbles a little as he looks up to meet Blaine's eyes again. "Honestly, I love you so much I can't even explain it to you or to anyone else but I think you get it, I think you understand it. I- I'm still not really great at expressing that part of me because it feels so scary and vulnerable but I know I'm only capable of loving again, of loving  _you_ , because you've been so patient and gentle and loving with me, reminding me to live and to breathe and to hope again. And I… I can't express how grateful I am for that, that you showed me love and light and warmth when I had been so broken and dark and cold for so long."

The lump that always knots in his throat when he thinks or talks about Andy blossoms because he's reached the part he always knew would be the hardest part of his speech, but he also knows he  _has_  to say it and he  _knows_  he can say it because he's whispered it to himself often enough when staring in the mirror or travelling to work to try to reduce how overwhelmingly anguished it left him the first time.

"The white rose…symbolises Andy," he says, his voice cracking slightly and Blaine grips his hand even tighter. "I… The three roses together – the yellow and the red and the white – that you made into a little bunch on our first Valentine's Day… I was so overcome by how accepting you were of me and my grief, how you didn't flee when I was overcome but instead coaxed me back to life again and again until you were able to so simply and so succinctly recognise how important he was to me and how our relationship was… Well, becoming just that, a  _relationship_." He pauses to calm his racing emotions, inhaling a couple of times to soothe the ache in his chest, and Blaine offers another small squeeze to his hand, silent support to remind him that he  _can_  do this. "I can't forget Andy. He's entangled in my soul, in the person I became after I left high school, and I can't- I can't pretend that I'll ever be over him because of what happened." A tear spills down his cheek that Blaine automatically wipes away and he looks up, smiling through the shimmery tears he's trying not to shed. "But Blaine, I know he's my past and that  _you_  are both my present and my future. I'd be stupid to keep focusing on ghosts when someone so stunning is standing before me."

It's Blaine's turn to sniffle and Sebastian can see the tears dripping off Blaine's jaw and getting caught in his scarf. He's nearly done talking. Probably. After all, he's had a lot of time to think about this.

"And so… And so that brings me to the last flowers in the bunch. They're there because they're  _our_  favourite flowers," he says, and he finds it easier to talk now that he's moving past talking about Andy. "When I discovered the sunset rose six years ago, I fell in love with it because I thought it embodied me and  _us_ in a single flower, a combination of the flowers you put together on Valentine's Day. It holds our friendship and our love with just the smallest hint that Andy is ever-present but not overwhelming to the dynamic we have."

He can see Blaine examining the flower with renewed interest because he'd never explained why the sunset flower had become his favourite. It was something he'd waved off, that the contrasting colours were pretty, but he always knew it went deeper than that and he's glad he can finally share his thoughts about the flower with Blaine.

"Which brings me to the last flower, the one that's the most important in your little posy, and not just because it provides a nice colour contrast to all the warm colours."

Blaine laughs and rolls his head with a small shake of his head at the corniness of his line, but he'd needed to put in something humorous and silly to break up all the teary emotion-shedding.

"The purple tulip historically has symbolised royalty, but it can also mean an admiration of accomplishments. In a bouquet it can mean strength, passion and love. And you, Blaine, embody all those things to me – except maybe the prince part. You might need a DNA test for that."

Blaine snorts. "You're ridiculous," he mutters and Sebastian grins brightly.

"Including the purple tulip is more than that though because where you once included the white rose to acknowledge Andy, including the purple tulip is my way of acknowledging  _you_. How much you mean to me, how much I value you, how much I'm amazed by you every single day. I know we ran into each other in a crazy sort of coincidence during my lunch break and then you showed up at my apartment after I got drunk but Blaine, you  _stayed_. You stayed and every day I got to witness your strength, your resilience, your determination, your endless supply of support and gentleness and… And you healed so many of the cracked and broken parts of me that I thought would remain shattered forever."

He gazes at Blaine and he remembers how Andy had looked at him when he was proposing and he's honestly not sure which sight is more beautiful.

All he knows is that this is definitely, positively, absolutely, the right decision.

He clings to Blaine's hand, the anchor in his storm like always, and feels grounded and calm even though the world could be ending beyond their quiet bubble.

"I am indebted to you, I am in awe of you, and I am wholly and hopelessly and completely in love with you in a way I never thought I'd ever feel again."

He withdraws the velvet box from the pocket of his coat and cracks the lid, huffing a small frustrated laugh when he opens it backwards and has to turn it around for Blaine to see. Blaine laughs through his tears, staring at Sebastian expectantly with the brightest of smiles.

"Blaine Devon Anderson, will you marry me?"

He barely gets the question out before Blaine is pulling him to his feet, wrapping his arms around Sebastian's neck and kissing the life out of him. His knee hurts from being bent so long but none of it matters as he curls his arms around Blaine's body and loses himself in the kisses.

"Yes," Blaine whispers between kisses that are bruising to his cold lips. " _Yes_. You could ask me a million times and the answer would always be yes."

The frantic, somewhat desperate flurry of kisses lasts for God knows how long before it grew slower, more assured and warm and searing him with heat all the way down to his toes. It's like a hot summer day beyond their bubble and it isn't until a gust of wind smacks him in the face that he remembers it's actually freezing.

"I love you," Blaine breathes against his lips, foreheads tilted together as they hold each other and calm their shaky exhales.

Sebastian smiles and kisses him again, softly and briefly. "I love you too," he echoes, pulling away just enough to remove Blaine's left mitten and slide the ring on. The platinum band ringed with a thin groove of black diamonds fits snugly, and Sebastian exhales the last bit of anxiety that somehow Blaine had put on or lost weight in the months since he'd bought the ring and it wouldn't fit perfectly.

He gazes at it, realising that it's finally,  _finally_ , happened and Blaine kisses him again. It feels like an awful shame to have to put Blaine's mitten back on where no one will be able to see the ring just yet, but he'll admire it plenty when they go to dinner and dispense with all their outerwear, or when they're back at their apartment and he's peeling clothes from Blaine's body, or when he's running his hands and mouth all over Blaine in bed that night.

They kiss and kiss until Sebastian realises the light is shifting, the oncoming danger of a stupidly early sunset approaching. He grabs Blaine's hand and breaks a little of the spell that had befallen them the past hour.

"C'mon. Let me show you the Gardens before Rachel flips out that we didn't admire her work enough," he insists and Blaine chuckles and follows his lead, the tiny bouquet of five flowers clutched tight in his other hand.

"Let me guess, she tasked a small army with helping?" Blaine says and Sebastian nods, unable to hide his grin now that it's done, it's over, it's  _official_. He feels so giddy he's not sure he'll erase the smile from his face for  _weeks_.

"Pretty sure she enlisted her entire stage crew, plus Jesse, to help with this. To be fair, she ordered more flowers than I'd asked for so now I owe her more than I know how to give when she got so many people to help out."

Blaine grins and Sebastian leads him along the path that had been created for Blaine to follow, only it's in reverse. They move from a cluster of purple tulips towards where they become speckled with sunset roses which leads to a clump of them at a particular curve of the Garden. Along the path, Rachel had decided to sprinkle an assortment of petals from the five types of flowers which shows the path to follow. It had been her brilliant idea when they'd no longer needed to plant flowers but still had a seemingly endless supply.

"It is both really clever and really pretty what you did," Blaine admires and Sebastian kisses his temple, glad that his hard work planning all this had truly paid off even though Rachel was most responsible for the execution.

They continue wandering the path as the sunset roses gradually give way to white roses. A patch had been specifically set up around a Hamlet quote emblazoned in bronze and embedded in the ground. It was the one quote he'd made sure to emphasise and had been completely non-negotiable with Rachel that he acknowledge it with the white roses, and only the white roses.

_'There's rosemary, that's for remembrance,_  
_Pray you, love, remember._  
_And there is pansies, that's for thoughts.'_

"I'll never ask you to forget him, you know that, right?" Blaine says, gazing at the sign and the surrounding white roses for longer than he'd looked at any of the other flowers because he completely understands the symbolism which Sebastian hadn't explained to Rachel.

"I do," he says, slipping his arm around Blaine's waist and tucking him into his side. "It's part of why I love you so much. You let me remember. You let me keep my thoughts and memories of him. And you also ensure I keep moving forward, making new memories with you and with other people and making sure I don't get lost in those feelings that used to destroy me."

Blaine looks up at him, an almost-brittle smile on his lips. "I saw how you were those first twelve months. I know he meant the world to you."

" _You_  mean the world to me too, B," he assures with a soft kiss. "You've seen how I am the last seven years and you haven't left yet. That means more to me than the whole world." He kisses Blaine's forehead even though he knows his lips are chilled. "You know that, right? That I love you in a way that isn't attached to him? He was a long time ago and I meant what I said when I proposed. He was my past but you are unequivocally my present and future."

"I know," Blaine says, his gaze steady and looking so composed and confident and maybe a little giddy. "I know a part of you is always his because of how you lost him, but I know who you were in high school too, remember? I see how you've changed but you also manage to remind me of the teenagers we were while proposing and bringing up Shakespeare quotes." Blaine laughs a little and Sebastian can't help smiling shyly because he felt like such a sap holding on to those memories. "You see me and you hear me, and you care and take the time with me. I know he mattered but I know  _we_  matter too. I'm not afraid to love you because you lost Andy; I love you  _because_  of him, because he showed you how to love me and be honest with me. I accepted that a long time ago."

"When?" he says, because he feels dumbfounded at just how well Blaine knew him. He doubted this man would ever stop surprising him.

"I think it was a week or two after you first said you loved me back," Blaine says, his lips pursing a little as he thinks about it. "I was worried I'd said it too early or you were too afraid to repeat it or maybe you didn't want to say it, because you weren't  _able_  to love someone again or you didn't want to love  _me_ , but then you said it and...and I saw, like, the teenager in you that had laughed over the phone when I tried to explain how I loved Kurt - do you remember that? - and I saw the you, now, who could say you loved me and I could see it in your eyes that you meant it. You knew how to love and you knew how to make me feel special and wanted and I- I think it just made me love you more."

"Good God, I love you," he mutters with a slightly awed shake of his head, and Blaine giggles a little breathlessly and meets him in the middle for a dozen kisses. He almost doesn't want to go to dinner now. He'd rather just get back to their apartment, pronto.

"I love you too," Blaine replies when the kisses slow, squeezing into his embrace and looking so beautifully happy that Sebastian finds it dazzling. "More than you could ever know. And honestly? I just shared some of my proposal speech because I was about ready to do something if you didn't, so you're welcome."

He laughs and Blaine grins so brightly that it could re-light the fading sun.

They continue their slow walk through the Gardens, where the white roses meander into red. Sebastian makes some off-handed joke about how the Queen of Hearts' painters must have been through and Blaine rolls his eyes and laughs despite protesting Sebastian's sense of humour is simply  _awful._

And then the yellow roses fade away and the trail of multicoloured flower petals comes to an end, which means they're at the start of the path.

"You really know how to knock a guy over with romantic gestures, Sebastian Smythe," Blaine muses, looking back at the flower path with approval, and Sebastian kisses his nose as they exit the Gardens to find the path that will lead them to Belvedere Castle. He almost wants to pick bunches of flowers from the path so he can learn flower pressing and preserve the day forever.

"One of us has to be the romantic gesture-maker in this relationship. I still remember your first line, ' _Are you a freshman?_ '" He mimics in a high-pitched tone before scoffing. Blaine bursts into laughter. "I mean,  _please._  I never looked  _that_  young and I already towered over you."

"You left me speechless," Blaine confesses with a shrug and Sebastian chuckles, tucking Blaine closer as they meander towards the Castle. "I just needed to keep you talking to me and the look of abject horror on your face to correct my mistake more than did the trick."

"Are you saying you used the worst pick-up line in history and it  _worked_?" he teases and Blaine shrugs, trying to smile innocently but unable to hide the amusement that shines in his eyes. "And here I thought that you were inept at telling someone's age when in reality, you just wanted to check I wasn't underage and get in my pants."

When Blaine wiggles his eyebrows but doesn't correct him, it's Sebastian's turn to burst into laughter. "What can I say? You had nice pants to get into," Blaine retorts and Sebastian nearly slips on the iced steps leading towards the Castle quadrangle in shock.

Although Blaine nearly joins him when their private bubble is abruptly broken by an almighty scream of, " _Congratulations_!"

He and Blaine both stumble in surprise, staring at all the people standing in the quadrangle throwing flower petals and streamers and glitter and confetti at them. Some of them are from Rachel's production but there are many more he doesn't recognise.

"You didn't know about this?" Blaine says, his eyes wide as he looks from the people to Sebastian. Sebastian can only shake his head dumbly before he spies Luca, Alison and Jesse waving at them from the top of the Castle.

"You really thought we'd all just go home and not wait to celebrate with you when I knew where you were coming afterwards?" Rachel says as she appears behind them, nearly giving Sebastian a heart attack. How long had she been following them?

"What if I'd turned the proposal down?" Blaine says with a small pout and Sebastian's almost certain he's going to have a heart attack. Blaine is only joking, right? He would've said yes regardless of-

"Oh please. My execution of all those floral arrangements was awesome and you were totally bawling while Sebastian was proposing so there was no way he tugged at all your heart strings that sharply and then you turned him down after you've been wanting him to propose for a year and had started making your own plans," Rachel says with a dismissive wave. Sebastian notices the crowd has thinned and wonders if she'd managed to simply rope in members of the public who had been visiting the Castle that afternoon. She's so well-known these days that they'd probably been tripping over themselves as long as they got a photo with her.

"Bawling?" Blaine says to her at the same time as Sebastian says "Wait, a  _year_?" to Blaine.

Blaine looks sheepish but Rachel looks unapologetic. "Do you  _really_  think I didn't ensure there would be photos and videos for you to look at later?" she says, rolling her eyes and waving her phone in their faces. "C'mon, guys. Try to keep up. Facebook already knows."

And while Sebastian's grateful he enlisted Rachel's help to pull off his proposal, he starts to wonder how much of it was according to his plan and how much she'd realised there were areas he'd neglected to think about – like taking photos of the moment and posting them to Rachel's account for the world to see.

* * *

They're a tangle of naked limbs with Blaine half-sprawled across his chest later that night. He's exhausted, too many hours on his feet in the cold and too much anxiety for  _weeks_  finally catching up to him, but he also feels extraordinarily content as he trails his fingertips over Blaine's back, across his shoulders, through the curls at the nape of his neck. He can feel the tiny shivers of Blaine's body against him when he passes over a particularly sensitive spot and hides his smile with a kiss to the top of Blaine's head. He loves this, these quiet moments soaking each other in when it's the dead of night.

"You said you'd been waiting a really long time to propose," Blaine murmurs, his fingers tiptoeing over the freckles on the inside of Sebastian's bicep. "Can I…ask why you changed your mind? Or like… Why you settled on it being today?"

Sebastian's so calm, so in love, that it doesn't even make his heart skip a beat with nervous tension. He's still so giddy that he feels like when the high wears off, he'll end up crying just because he's so overemotional.

"I wanted it to be a day that was special to us," he says simply, his hand brushing the back of Blaine's neck and drawing the darkened eyes upwards. There's just enough light piercing the curtains to be able to see each other. "There are days that…that have meaning for us, but they're also filled with memories of Andy. Like I still think of him at Christmas and New Year and he's all I think about at Thanksgiving, even though I don't completely shut down anymore."

Blaine nods, his glittering eyes never straying from Sebastian's face.

"But Valentine's Day… It feels like  _our_  day, far more than with Andy." He snakes his hand into Blaine's hair and the other male releases a pleased hum. "I considered all sorts of dates, like the first day we met at Dalton. I decided against it because it didn't feel like  _us_. It was a different version of us and that just… I didn't like it. So then I thought of the day we ran into each other in the city, but I know I was so lost then that it didn't really feel right either. And… I don't know," he gives a small shrug and loops Blaine's curls around his fingers. "I started thinking maybe I shouldn't mark some particular anniversary because I felt like you'd say yes on any day, at any time, without some big thing but… I felt like you deserved that. You  _deserved_  the time and effort and patience it would take to make something spectacular and it deserved to be on a day which mattered to  _us_. I wanted to do that for you so it…it needed to be an important day. And I kept coming back to how my whole world shifted on Valentine's Day when I saw the bunch of flowers you'd made."

Blaine presses a kiss against his sternum, his exhale and errant curls tickling Sebastian's chest. "I think I forget you can be so cheesy sometimes because you're so prone to just kissing me rather than talking."

He snorts and scrunches his fingers in Blaine's hair lightly. "Between us, we have enough cheese for a pretty damn good pizza."

Blaine chuckles as he snuggles back into his chest. The silence lapses around them again, warm and soothing. Blaine's weight is a familiar comfort but Sebastian's still far too alert to even contemplate sleeping. He thinks the adrenaline flooding his system might sustain him for a week.

"I didn't really…expect it, you know?" Blaine says suddenly, unexpectedly quiet, and Sebastian resumes stroking fingertips over his skin. "Like, Rachel's known for ages that I've wanted to marry you but I was too afraid to propose because I kept thinking maybe you wouldn't be ready to say yes or maybe you only wanted one great marriage in your life. But I- I kept hoping and then I saw Trent got engaged over Christmas and I forgot all my concerns about  _you_  because I realised  _I_  hadn't been married yet and I wanted that  _so much_  and I got scared because maybe you didn't want to marry  _me_. I never doubted you loved me but maybe you only wanted us to...to be boyfriends or partners, but not  _husbands_? And so then I didn't know how to manage my desire for getting married and your possible fears about getting married again and it made me into an uncertain mess because I was scared I wasn't enough, even though everything in me said we were our own version of perfect."

Blaine pauses and Sebastian can feel the tremors in his heartbeat which have nothing to do with the mind-blowing orgasm he's almost certainly recovered from. Blaine tilts his head so their eyes meet and he notes the shy smile that eases some of his own worries that Blaine had been spinning into circles without him noticing. "I spoke to Rachel about it a lot the past year and she always assured me that you  _did_  love me, and we  _would_  get married, and I trusted her but I was...still afraid? And then… Then after what you said over Christmas, I realised that what we had, what we  _have_ , is so great and I was pushing for something that was enormous to you which meant I… I was being so selfish for some paper and a new status for us and somewhere I'd stopped thinking about how you might be affected because of your memories of Andy because  _I_  wanted more with you."

"You weren't being selfish," Sebastian says firmly, because he was well-aware of how they were both prone to insecurities and for far too many months, Sebastian had been struggling to decide on a date and a plan to propose and Blaine had been thinking he didn't even want to get married again. They were such opposite ends of the same anxiety that it made him ache. "I think… I think we just hadn't really talked about it and I knew I wanted to propose, I knew I wanted to marry you, and I was still… I know it's been so many years but I don't think it'll never stop hurting. At least a little bit," he admits, because although he's mostly restored to a whole and functioning human being, there are still pieces missing and he's accepted that. And Blaine's accepted him for that. "But after what you said at Christmas, I realised that you were ready, you  _did_  want it, and it was just  _my_  fears holding us both back and using Andy... It was an excuse because deep down, I've always been afraid of losing you and what that would do to me. I maybe didn't love you in high school but I did really, really like you, you know? And then what I feel for you now... God, I can't even explain it."

Blaine's fingers span over his chest and Sebastian can't help but run his fingers through the damp, curly hair he adores so much.

"So I… I called his mom. Last month. It was… It felt almost like I needed to get her blessing to propose, that it was okay to move on, more than I needed your father's permission. And she was… She was so amazingly kind and supportive about it that I knew I needed to stop holding myself back."

"Was that the day you were…?"

"Yeah." He bites his lip as he remembers how much of that night is a blank blur because he'd been trying to process so many painful feelings and Blaine had patiently stroked his hair and encouraged him to eat and shower and sleep. It had been his first major shut-down in more than two years and it had been difficult to explain to Blaine what had caused it without spoiling everything. "She wants an invitation, by the way. To the wedding. She wants to meet you and so does John."

"They're… They're your parents, in a sense," Blaine says, gazing at him and Sebastian can hear the smile in his voice. "You know I'd never say no to meeting them and hearing all their stories about a version of you I wish I'd met."

He nods, kissing Blaine lightly and smiling into it when he feels Blaine's knee hitch higher against his hip. "But you have met that person, Killer. He's the same one that's deliriously happy with how much he loves you and adores  _you_ ," he whispers, and he can feel Blaine's smile when they kiss again, and again, and again.

He can feel Blaine's need when the kisses turn slow and drawn-out and he can feel Blaine's adoration when he feels like the air is stolen from his lungs by how intimate and deliberate the kisses are, even though they remain unhurried because something within them says this needs to be slow, this needs to be meaningful. He can feel Blaine's desire in the way he rolls his hips to shift more fully over Sebastian's waist and he can feel Blaine's breath stutter past his lips when Sebastian's hand curves over his ass and he can feel Blaine's arousal, hot and heavy and hard, as they find a familiar pattern of kissing and touching and snatching inhalations.

And when they're grasping at each other, when his lips are mouthing against Blaine's neck and Blaine's gasping and clutching onto him, when they're sticky and sweaty and shaking all over, when their breathing is synched but their hopelessly hammering hearts are far too irregular to match for long, he knows he's the luckiest person in the world to have this man love him back.

* * *

**_~FIN~_ **


End file.
